Historically, many parents are saddened somewhat as their children grow up and prepare to leave home. We have all heard the term, "empty nest syndrome" and perhaps some of us have experienced it. It is a reminder that our children don't need us as they once did, and, very often, women who were "super-moms" found themselves wondering what to do with their spare time.

However, things have changed. Now parents are wondering how to get these "adult children" out of the house, even if it means not seeing them as often as they may wish.. If we are to understand this phenomenon, we have to understand the dynamics in the family that lend to this behavior developing in our children.

Our children don't grow up in a vacuum, and, as such, we as parents need to recognize that many of our behaviors help to form our child's personality and the perceptions they may have of themselves and their place in the world.

Adult children do not become sufficiently independent to move out and away from the parent's influence or care. Upon examination, we find that there is a "dependency" pattern which has developed within the family relationship. This is usually fostered by parents in an unwitting attempt to be "good" or "perfect" parents.

Parents of adult children tend to be less authoritarian, less authoritative, and more permissive. Their children typically have lax house "rules", lots of T.V., or game time, too much help with homework, no real responsibilities. As teens, they often have no chores around the house, may not keep up with grades, and usually spend a great deal of time out with friends socializing. Because these parents see themselves as loving, caring, involved and concerned, they would be shocked to discover that their behaviors are contributing to their children's dependency.

Something as simple as continually tying your child's shoes, because you're in a hurry, rather than patiently allowing them to struggle through the task, is only one small example of an error you may unknowingly make. Children need to develop a sense of self-efficacy, the knowledge that they are capable of completing a task. When we continually do things for our child that they can, and should, do for themselves, we not only rob them of a sense of accomplishment, but we also send them a "covert" message: "I don't trust you to do a good job for yourself."

How can we expect our children to become independent if we have never allowed them to do for themselves? Having specific house rules agreed upon by all family members is a start. Children can understand from an early age that completing homework or doing small chores has rewards, not only in the form of treats, but also in the sense of accomplishment we get from a job well done.

Too many parents reward a child to quiet them or to get their cooperation. To lavish money, treats, and gifts on a child for no apparent reason only encourages a sense of entitlement. (ie: "I'm entitled to live here with you, let you do my laundry, feed me, and spend my money as I wish because you love me, and I didn't ask you to be born!" ). An allowance should be earned, the privilege of going to the mall with friends should be earned. Whatever the child values can be used as "currency" to reward the child for a task well done. I don't believe in rewarding children for being adorable, and neither will their future employers in the real world.

Everything we do in regard to our family and children prepares them for their lives without us. To raise a child to think for themselves, to have their own opinions, to care for their belongings, to be considerate of others, to do those tasks necessary for their emotional and intellectual growth is the most important job a parent has.

How can we expect our adult-children to grow up and be emotionally healthy, independent, successful human beings if we don't provide them with the tools necessary to do so?