Couples and Relationships: The Home Improvement Committee

The Home Improvement Committee
By Melodie Tucker

There is an old adage that states "Women marry men expecting they will change (and they don't) and men marry women expecting they won't change (but they do)".

Truer words were never spoken than "Love is Blind". In the early courtship days, a woman is generally enchanted by everything a man does. She always seems happy and is so easy to please. Then as time goes by and the intimacy level increases, she begins to feel safe in his love and their relationship.

This is the time when women tend to see the potential in men and what wonderful partners they could be. They envision how truly grand the relationship will become when he learns how to dance better, change the toilet paper roll, and keep the toothpaste lid on tight, when he quits eating junk food, attends church regularly, starts talking about his feelings, or realizes it's more fun to spend time with her and the kids rather than playing golf with his buddies. From a man's perspective, he's confused. That lovely, happy woman who admired, accepted and loved him just the way he was in the beginning, suddenly starts giving him lots of suggestions on how to change into a different guy. She also offers plenty of unsolicited advice and reminders about daily tasks and chores, like how to sort the laundry correctly or drive through traffic. This is what we refer to as "The Home Improvement Committee" behavior. After a while, though, he begins to believe she doesn't trust him to take care of himself or the family. He thought he could make her happy, but sometimes he feels like he's living with his mother again!

Although Venusians believe they are offering loving support with their advice, remembering that Martians are different is the first step to a more fulfilling relationship for both partners. By recognizing that men most need trust, acceptance and admiration to feel loved, women can learn to STOP giving advice. She can then choose her battles wisely and develop the skills to directly request those things that are really important to her. This will lead to a much less defensive attitude on his part and give him the chance to fulfill her true needs.

Here's a little anecdote to keep in mind the next time you get the urge to 'improve' your man...
Two guys are overheard talking?

First Guy: Ever since I got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.

Other Guy: Sounds like you might be a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you?

First Guy: Nah, I'm not bitter at all. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me anymore!

 

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Melodie Tucker is a Mars Venus Success Coach and Seminar Leader, trained by Dr. John Gray, author of the world famous "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" series. For the past 10 years, she has helped men and women all over the world create great relationships that last. If you'd like more information about this topic, want to learn how you can become a coach, or wish to have personal coaching for your specific situation, please contact her at the email address on her bio at: Melodie Tucker.