By Tiffany Carboni - Parenting Humor
www.tiffanycarboni.com
There is a scary phenomenon that is plaguing the nation at this very moment and has been happening for decades, perhaps centuries.
It’s something that the media doesn’t like to talk about.
There’s a cover-up that needs unveiling.
Though on second thought maybe it’s better that this secret stays under wraps until a child is born, for no mother-to-be should be exposed to such horrors before her time has come.
The effects can be traumatic and haunting.
No! The truth MUST be set free.
[Insert drum roll.]
Some fathers are genetically predisposed with poor taste. It may not have been apparent before pregnancy. Or maybe it was, but no one cared so long as he kept his non-matching, holey socks a secret, and his tacky Hawaiian shirts only came out at barbeques.
But when left alone with their newborns, these men-of-challenged-taste are discovered to be completely unskilled in dressing their poor, innocent offspring in outfits that coordinate…or make sense.
It is a tragedy when a helpless infant falls victim to the whims of this sort of dads’ fashion (non)sense, which is likely to involve scratchy garments only meant for photo opps, ridiculously oversized pieces, the ugly crap shoved in the recesses of the closet, or worse—torn hand-me-downs with giant spit-up stains.
[Insert screeching violin music.]
Yes, there are fathers who get it, and we thank God for those gay and metrosexual dads. But for the rest of the men out there who don’t, please understand this: Mothers have babies for one specific reason—to have their very own dress-up dolls.
Listen, gentlemen. When the woman of your life graciously offers you the opportunity to watch your child while she runs out for a bit, she is expecting to come home to her baby in a clean diaper and a fresh wardrobe. That means a costume change befitting of the adorable creature she labored for months to create within, and in turn expel from her body.
Not baby clothes that are going to make her baby look like a hobo.
But not to worry. A smart mother will say nothing. She will take in the faces of her beautiful family, cradle her baby lovingly, kiss her husband gratefully, and slyly run into the child’s bedroom to purge all beastly articles of baby clothing so her husband can’t ever access them again.
She will consider doing the same thing in about two years when she realizes that her child has perhaps inherited her father’s questionable judgment. However, the mother will find this task difficult as her fashion-challenged toddler—who may be dressed in the entire contents of her closet all at once with shoes adamantly strapped on the wrong feet and her headband that sports a flower bigger than the state of Texas —will protest very, very loudly if one single garment is touched.
In that moment, this smart mother will know that she’s screwed. Her only hope is to fill her child’s closet with super cute clothes and tell her ornery, authority-challenging toddler that she may never-ever-ever put on any of those super cute clothes—ever.
Award-winning humorist, Tiffany Carboni is willing to explore, exploit, and when necessary eat anything pertaining to the hilarities of family life. She lives to tell about them in her collection of short stories called MOTHER TONGUE & Other Sharp Objects that she is pursuing to turn into a book. In the meantime, excerpts are available though her blog at MOTHER TONGUE & Other Sharp Objects. This daily escape from the everyday life of being a mom, is brought to you by My Baby Clothes Boutique.
Cheryl is a sister, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a niece, an aunt, a granddaughter, a friend, a volunteer... well you get the idea. Let.s just say she.s a lot like you and has decided the best way for us all to cope is to laugh (don't try to inhale at the same time, it only makes matters worse).