Bullying—Within the Home!
Sadly, it also happens within our own homes; however, we may be so used to it that we consider it of no consequence. Who bullies children in their own homes? Siblings can, as well as even their own parents. In my private counseling practice, children of all ages often confide that their parents get in their face and yell at them sometimes telling them they are "worthless" or "just like your sister" or even "wish I'd never had you." Granted the child did something wrong and probably needed a consequence, but the consequence can be given in a fairly normal tone of voice and without humiliating or demeaning the child. Making a child feel worthless will only worsen the situation and cause them to act worthless!
Listen to a Families Online Radio Interview with Sharon Scott,LPC LMFT
Books That Work!
Sharon is the author of eight award-winning books including four on the topic of peer pressure.
The guide for parents/educators on how to peer-proof children and teens is Peer Pressure Reversal: An Adult Guide to Developing a Responsible Child, 2nd Ed.
Her best-selling book for teens, How to Say No and Keep Your Friends, 2nd Ed., empowers kids to stand out—not just fit in! A follow-up book for teens, When to Say Yes! And Make More
Friends, shows adolescents how to select and meet quality friends and, in general, feel good for doing and being good.
Sharon also has a charming series of five books for elementary-age children each teaching an important living skill and "co-authored" with her savvy cocker spaniel Nicholas who makes the learning fun. Their book on managing elementary-age peer pressure is titled Too Smart for Trouble.I recall these statements by some of the clients in my private counseling practice:
A 19 year old said that he was often compared with his older sister who got into serious trouble using drugs (He said, "I've never used drugs." The comparison hurt him deeply.)
A 15 year girl said that her father had got right in her face and yelled at her that she's "ruined his life" due to some poor choices she made An 11 year old who says his older brother regularly told him he's "stupid" and "gay." This boy is neither and doesn't understand why the brother would say this—he's actually a gentle soul who's been really hurt by this badgering.Children should be taught to be respectful by our examples. This includes treating waiters, other drivers, neighbors, etc. with kindness and respect. Also we don't have to yell at children to get them to act responsibly. Often we yell/fuss/remind/fume/lecture/reprimand/nag to no avail—and we wonder why it doesn't work. A 1-sentence consequence stated firmly, "Since you did (misbehavior) , then your consequence is (loss of privilege) for (days), and followed through will help children to learn to act more responsibly and follow rules.
Talk and more talk just doesn't work. And should you notice your children calling each other bad names' regularly or hitting one another or other bullying behavior, you should stop it with the same discipline sentence. Loss of privileges could be many things: TV, computer, video games, riding bike, coloring, swimming, use of telephone, free time, driving the car, visiting friends, etc. Make sure you use a consequence that "matches" with the severity of the misbehavior—don't overkill with the loss of the most important privilege for small misbehaviors. And consistency is the key!
(Editor's Note: Sharon Scott has some excellent award-winning books for children and teens—they would make excellent summer reading. They include "How to Say No and Keep Your Friends" and "When to Say Yes! And Make More Friends" for teens. And for elementary-age children there are five books that each teach a valuable living skill including "Too Smart for Trouble," "Life's Not Always Fair: Managing Emotions" and "Nicholas' Values: A Child's Guide to Character Education." Her books are very readable for kids! See www.hrdpress.com/sharonscott )
Copyright © 2010, Sharon Scott. No reproduction without written permission from author.
P.S. Please see my other column SmileNotes.
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Sharon Scott, LPC, LMFT, has been making a difference in peoples' lives for 30 years though her international keynotes and workshops, her eight award-winning books, and her private counseling services. Five of her books are a charming series for elementary-age children that she "co-authored" with her savvy cocker spaniel Nicholas. Each beautifully illustrated book teaches a valuable living skill such as managing emotions in Life's Not Always Fair, building character in Nicholas' Values, and making wise choices in Too Smart for Trouble. Sharon's best-seller for teens is How to Say No and Keep Your Friends, 2nd Ed. Her books are available from HRD Press, 800-822-2801 or www.hrdpress.com/SharonScott . For more information on Sharon's many workshop topics that she can bring to your child's school or community, please see her website at www.SharonScott.com.
About The Author
Anthony G. Alessi, MD
Charles Glassman, MD
Dale Peterson, MD
Mache Seibel, MD
Peter Weiss, MD
Mitchell Yass, DPT
Dr. Howard Peiper
Dr. Mary Riggin
