Sometimes Your Very Best Friend is Yourself
Anytime you read anything about homeschooling, that word, let's call it the "S" word,
manages to make its way in. That's because anyone who doesn't really understand
homeschooling usually brings it up.
"But what about socialization?" they ask. It's enough to drive any homeschooling mom
straight to a dictionary so she can rattle off the definition of socialization. It has nothing to do
with being in a room or building with children all the same age for six hours a day. Yet, as much
as we will rise up ready to argue what socialization is or isn't, I admit to being concerned about
my children making friends.
When we first started homeschooling, I appreciated the belief that all children should
socialize together. You will find many homeschoolers who foster the belief that children should
not be limited to playing with children their own age. Yes, that means that a ten year old is
comfortable with a thirteen year old or a six year old. For those outside the homeschooling
world, it's a bit hard to understand. After all, children are grouped by age and grade in school,
where they're made to play with children their own age.
For the last several years, I was content to see my children interacting with children who
were younger than themselves. Our homeschool group is filled with children of all ages but
unfortunately, not many older children or teens. For my daughter, this wasn't a problem. For my
son, the concern about him not having other boys his age lurked in the back of my mind.
Now, as my daughter heads toward her first official teen birthday and my son makes his
way to "uh oh 15", as I like to call it, I was beginning to worry about their need for friends their
own age. There was little to worry about with my daughter, who belongs to Girl Scouts as well as
a church youth group. My son is enjoying a friendship with a girl a year younger than he who he
shares an interest in aquariums with. Since she lives quite a distance from us, they are usually
limited to seeing each other at monthly aquarium society meetings. He also spends some time
here and there with a group of boys from our homeschooling group that range from nine to
thirteen years old. I began to worry about his lack of friends his age each time I would drop my
daughter at youth group or girl scouts events. I would listen to the peals of laughter coming out
from under my daughter's door as she chatted with friends on the phone.
My son is happy to converse by email with his fish loving friend. Unlike my daughter's
friends, the other boys he spends time with are spread throughout the area and aren't near enough
for frequent visits. I talked to his father about it and we both felt it would be nice for him to have
a boy or two nearby to hang around with. My husband mentions a co-worker whose son belongs
to a racquetball club. Being an athlete at heart, we talk to my son about his visiting the club. His
first visit is a success and shortly after he signs on for a membership.
The first week after signing on he spends three days at the club. I'm thrilled that he will
be able to spend time playing a sport with another teen. I cross my fingers that this co-worker's
son will be there. "Wouldn't it be nice for him to have someone to play with?" I say to myself.
Yet it seemed each time he went to play that boy wasn't there at that time. He had either already
played and left or had yet to arrive.
"Why don't you call him at home and plan a day and time to meet?" I hint to my son. My
heart flip flops as I try to think of ways to help him make new friends.
"Yeah, I guess," he answers casually. Finally, with butterflies in my stomach, I ask him.
"Do you want to call some of the boys from the group?" I ask, throwing around some
names of boys he has spent time with at different events.
"I don't know," comes the answer. I sit and watch him. Looking for clues, trying to figure
out how he must feel. I worry that he's feeling left out as he watches his sister run out the door to
youth group on a Friday night while he watches his regular show.
"Do you miss seeing other kids every day like you did when you were in school?" I blurt
out suddenly.
"What?" he looks at me as if I have three heads.
"Do you miss having friends around every day? Like you did in school?" I ask again,
trying to be calm and causal about it. Maybe he's unhappy or lonely, I fret to myself.
"No. I have friends." He looks at me non plussed and drifts back to the book he had been
reading. Like I was at his age, he is quite the book worm and can often be found reading.
"You do? You spend so much time alone at home reading and working on your fish
tanks. I'm just concerned that you might be bored or lonely."
"Lonely? How can I be lonely? We go to lots of events."
"Yes, but your sister gets to see her friends more often. She's always on the phone
chatting..."
"I don't need to see my friends more often. And I don't like being on the phone anyway."
I stare at him unsure what to think.
"I've got lots of friends," he looks up from his book, "But I have a lot of stuff I like to do
here too. I like being home when I'm not at something with my friends." He goes back to his
book and leaves me there at a loss for words.
I've finally accepted that friends don't necessarily have to be with each other constantly.
They don't have to be on the phone for hours at a time either. Most importantly for me, I found
out that how my son defines "friends" is totally different from how my daughter does. Some
children, like my daughter, need to be with other children all the time. Some children, like my
son, are confidant enough just knowing that they have friends when they see them. Even if it isn't
that often. And that perhaps for those children their very best friend is often themselves.
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