America's Nanny

We are in the process of parting ways with our child\'s nanny of 4 years, with one week to go. This is a mutual decision, as the relationship has gotten increasingly strained, largely due to her flagrant diregard of our parenting wishes (e.g. consistently taking child on outings without clearance, leaving child in care of supermarket or gym staff so she can work out or have coffee with friends.) In short, she has lost ALL perspective in her role, and instead she sees herself as an additional grandmother. She has cared for just him in her home these 4 yrs., and her family has gotten very attached to my son, to the point that they are persistently requesting on-going visits with him after this is done. There is no quesion she loves my son (maybe too much), and they are generally a lovely family (although we have no love lost with her at this point), however her passive-aggressive tendencies toward us and overly emotional response to this parting (crying for a week) are starting to concern me. Should I allow visits, and should I let her finish out the week? I am also concerned with too much of a disruption for my son with an abrupt ending...

I was a nanny with the same family for 7 years, when they moved cross country and we had to part ways. In all my years and relationships with other nannies, the consensus is that when things are going to end, they go down hill fast, due to hightened emotions, nerves, fear of change..etc

it is not uncommong for a nanny to be upset- it is quite a loss to care full time for a child for years, then to know things will change

A few tips
If your child isn't at safety risk when with you nanny

1) remember that your child and nanny have an independent relationship from you. Don't try to undermine that- it will only hurt your child.

2) don't make promises you cant keep- if you aren't willing to let your child see the nanny dont promise you will

3) try to come up with a plan so that they can stay connected- visits once every few weeks or once a month sounds normal.

4) allow your chld time to adjust

5) have a nice parting dinner, all together and celebrate the good times you did have as you transition into this new time

6) dont badmouth the nanny to your kid- you kid will only get mad at you and feel hurt and confused

7) Make the last day clear and concerete. don't prolong it or shortern it. If your child isnt in harm and you trust the caregiver, stay with your intial plans - SET CLEAR GUIDELINES FOR THESE DAYS if you are concerened. But don;t make it about the nanny ie- I may be picking him up early because...or please keep him local today...

8) encourage your child to make the nanny a gift- it will help with closure and transisition

In my 15 years, these tips have made parting easier for all.


Hope it helps,

Good luck,

Michelle

Hi, Michelle,

I have a family of four children (2 older boys from a previous marriage and 2 younger children - girl 4, boy 3). Our family gets along very well, but the rilvary between our youngest son and daughter is unbelievable including excessive screaming from them. I'm not sure they even talk, especially my daughter. Whether happy or sad, everything is said in a scream. I have tried excessive routine, time outs during tantrums, etc. but they are very competitive for attention and toys, etc. Do you have any tips which could help us? The older boys are 13 and 17 and I didn't have these issues with them due to, I believe, a greater age difference. Many thanks in advance. kc

I recently got hired as a nanny for a single mother. When we first spoke on the phone she told me about her son and that he has a behavior problem. She also said that she would like it if I did some light house cleaning. Well the light house cleaning has now turned into housekeeping. I asked her for a list of the duties that she wants me to do and she literally wants me to be a nanny and housekeeper. She said she will raise my salary but she has not done it yet. On one hand I don't want to ask her for a lot more because she's a single mom. But on the other hand I am home schooling her son, he's 10, taking him to and from activities, and cleaning the house( washing both her and his cloths and putting them away, dusting, mopping, dishes, keeping the house tidy, cleaning her room....the list goes on). What should I do? How much more should I ask for?

I work for a family,I do their household chores take care of their kids cook their meals do their laundry.take the children places.My child helps out because she sees how hard I work.their children are unrulely.it is hard.the reason i chose this job was my child could come with me.the problem?i am takin advantage of i am basically a slave.i only make 10 a hour.she openly insults my child who picks up her childs things her children do not listen will fihgt toothe and nail,i cant afford to leave.she is a bully .her child is a bully.she allows her child to openly bully my child.its insane.i do not know hpow to confrint her without loosing my job.thats why she can do it shes knows im stuck in this economy.she will insult my child infront of me its heart breaking.

I had a question about overnighters. I have been a nanny for this family for about 2 years and i love it! I have a great time and get along great with both parents. I work M-F 8-5 and have no problem with working extra hours if need be. Recently I stayed the night for the first time in about 6 months and both girls were up every few hours screaming and crying and begging me to sleep in their bed. I know that both of the parents sleep in the girls beds or the girls sleep in their parents beds, but as a nanny I do not feel that is my place. I also dont think that a 4 year old should still be sleeping with her parents in the first place. The night went terrible and then I worked all day the next day feeling over exhausted and barley able to function. They asked me to do an over night stay again, and I know that their nightly routine has not changed (sad to say). Both parents often seem tired and worn out from long sleepless night. Of course I said yes that I would stay because this is part of my job, but I really can't have another night like that. I have even given the parents suggestions on how to start weening their kids off from sleeping with them, but they just give in to the crying. I think they feel that they are breaking their children's heart but in reality she only cries because she knows that will get her what she wants. What should I do?

Hi there,

One important role a nanny plays is being an advocate for the children in her care. Children who do not have solid sleep habits, suffer tremendously. I would share your experience with the parents and share why you feel its imporant to have the children learn to sleep on their own.

At the end of the day, its the parents decesion how to handle this and then you'll need to decide if its a battle you want to fight, which could mean saying no to sleeping over until they have a better system in place.

Hi there,

You need to sit down with your boss and draw up a written work agreement that outlines your roles, duties and responsibilites. This is the only way to prevent confusion and to get everyone on the same page. A sample work agreement can be found here:
http://nannyanswers.com/topics.htm#contracts

Its important to set clear boundaries and consequnces for breaking them and to hold everyone accountable to the same rules. Teach your childrne about indoor voices and outdoor voices. They need to learn how to effectively communicate. When we are mad, we say I am mad, we don't yell.. its important to model how they should interact with eachother.. its also important to take time and spend alone quality time with each child. they should also have some toys that they dont have to share and that are their own special toys. Praise eachother for their individual achievements etc and try to minimize competition. Hope this helps.

Hello Michelle,

Thank you for making so many lives so much better with the wisdom you have continued to share on the web.

We have put several things we learned from you to work and I have realized that despite my giving adive to others (on different topics) I had never stopped to thank you for enriching our lives already.

Thank you!

Now for a question: How is it that the simple wisdom of so many of the things you teach seems to have been lost? Where did the world completely seem to forget to parent?

My son will be three in about 2 months and he now has a 2 month old baby sister. He has always been a very good, easy going, mild tempered child. His listening skills have gotten increasingly worse over that past few months, but I figured that was normal preschooler behavior. He has been sick this past week and the last two days have been absolute nightmares. I am not sure if I can attribute a complete flip in attitude and behavior to the sickness and/or medication, or if he is just now starting to act out about the new baby??? He is hitting me, throwing things, slamming and kicking doors, will not stay in time out or in bed, and is generally defiant. This is just so out of character! It is non-stop and it is breaking me. The oddest thing (to me) is that he seems very subdued...he does not care if I take toys away. I feel like he may just be too darn smart and is trying to beat me at my own game. My husband is also at his wits end. What can we do? Do you have any advice for getting him back on track?

Hi there,

It would not be unusual for him to act out. He now realizes the baby will be sticking around for awhile..
The best thing you can do is set aside each day just for him- reading him a book etc and also remember that if both him and the baby are crying--try to meet his needs first (as long as the baby isnt in danger) because he understands what is happening and the baby can't (ie he knows mommy puts baby first). Stay calm and be sure to validate his feelings without validating the behavior. IE. I know you are sad we can't go outside now, but when we are sad we say I'm sad. We don't hit. Hands aren't for hitting.
Hang in there!