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Now that school is back in session, be aware of your child's attitude when you first see your son or daughter after school. Does he look tired? (need an earlier bedtime or perhaps not eating lunch?). Does she excitedly talk about her day (must be making friends easily). Does he say, "I don't like Jim." (hmm... keep in mind to determine if a minor irritation or a pattern). Does she seem overly quiet or even sad? (why? not making friends or being teased or what?).
How to Say No and Keep Your Friends, 2nd Ed.
A must back-to-school reading for your teen!
 Too Smart for Trouble
Helping grade K-4 children think on their own!
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The natural parental instinct when you suspect problems is to ask, "What's wrong?" You know the answer to that question will often be "nothing." You know you need to know what's going on, but how do you get it out of them without 20 questions and/or getting into an argument as you interrogate (at least they may feel it's an interrogation!).
I would suggest that when you first see your child after school, you give him a big smile and say "hi!" That child needs to know you are glad to see him. Avoid asking him, "How was your day?" The answer might be "OK," which would only frustrate you because of the lack of his expounding on his day. A better statement could be "Tell me the very best thing about your day." Give the child time to reflect and avoid asking questions. When he tells you of an event, give back a response with emotion: "Wow!" or "Sounds like fun!" or "I can see why that would make you feel good."
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Then ask "What was the yuckiest (or similar slang word that your child would understand) part of your day?" If she says, "When Laura wouldn't talk to me at lunch," avoid trying to "make it all well" by comments such as "I'm sure she'll talk to you tomorrow." or "I never liked Laura anyway--you need to make a new friend." A better resonse would be simply to respond to how she is feeling at the moment such as simply, "You feel sad." Responding to your child's feelings indicates a high level of understanding and is an excellent communication tool. It is far more likely to get your child to talk than asking her questions.
Stay quiet... give her an opportunity to sort her feelings until she's ready to begin talking... while you mainly just listen. Asking too many questions or telling the child how to handle the situation does not allow the child to think and will often shut her down. Only add tips if she absolutely has no idea what to do and/or asks for your advice. Not only is this respectful, but it also encourages the child to problem-solve.
By the time many children are teens, they will complain, "You don't understand!" And they may be partially right as the natural instinct when parents see their children in a crisis is to tell them what to do. We owe children the possibility of thinking through their situations before we jump in and tell them how to handle their situations. They will appreciate it plus it takes unnecessary pressure off the parents!
Copyright © 2008, Sharon Scott. No reproduction without written permission from author.
P.S. Please check out my other column, “SmileNotes”
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Sharon Scott, LPC, LMFT, is an internationally recognized family counselor with a private practice in north Texas. She is considered the leading expert on peer pressure having trained more than one million people across the U.S. and in Australia, Canada, Switzerland, South Africa, Spain, Malaysia, the Philippines, Turkey, and Micronesia in her proven techniques. For information on bringing Sharon to your community or school to present one of her 29 dynamic workshops for children, teens, parents, or educators, please see her website www.SharonScott.com .
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Listen to
Families Online Radio Interview with Sharon Scott
Books That Work!
By Sharon Scott
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Sharon is the author of eight award-winning books including four on the topic of peer pressure.
 The guide for parents/educators on how to peer-proof children and teens is Peer Pressure Reversal: An Adult Guide to Developing a Responsible Child, 2nd Ed.
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Her best-selling book for teens, How to Say No and Keep Your Friends, 2nd Ed., empowers kids to stand out—not just fit in!  A follow-up book for teens, When to Say Yes! And Make More Friends, shows adolescents how to select and meet quality friends and, in general, feel good for doing and being good.
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 Sharon also has a charming series of five books for elementary-age children each teaching an important living skill and “co-authored” with her savvy cocker spaniel Nicholas who makes the learning fun. Their book on managing elementary-age peer pressure is titled Too Smart for Trouble - More Info.
Peer Pressure Experienced by Teens, Adolescents and School-age Children. Parenting Advice.
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