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I was discussing low self-esteem recently with one of my private counseling clients. She said when she walks into a room, she always compares herself to other women—in dress, intelligence, career choice, manner of speaking—everything! This, of course, causes her a lot of anxiety. If she perceives that others are better in one area than she is, she is demoralized and often remains quiet—too afraid to share her thoughts and ideas to the conversation. If she finds herself better than the others in some way, she gets a moment’s relief. But no matter which way she goes, her self-worth is questionable.
That caused me to think of my three cocker spaniels who have such different personalities. Each appears to love their unique qualities and interests—and I’ve never seen them try to be like the other one. I have two friends, Martha and Sheri, who do wonderful pet photography. Recently they had “Christmas in July” which was a portrait sitting for dogs with Santa Claus. I took the cockers, Scooter, puppy Gabe and Sasha, to their studio and noticed what they did upon arrival.
 See side bar for information on Sharon's wonderful books for elementary-age children. There is a discounted price on the 5-book series that even includes a darling Nicholas puppet.
See "The Nicholas Collection" at www.hrdpress.com/SharonScott .
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Scooter, the very outgoing “me first” tri-color, greeted everyone with enthusiasm, including giving Santa a kiss—he just knew everyone was happy to see him! He’s full of himself, knows it and likes it! Sasha, the black and tan independent female, barely acknowledged anyone as she went straight for the toy box—in other words, she went shopping! Little Gabe, a sweet, quiet soul, walked in slowly, took it all in and decided to quietly sit next to me. He’s slow to make new friends as he wants to check things out first. And that’s good that each can be their authentic self.
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What can parents do to instill self-worth in children? Of course, give praise for good behavior—make it specific to the action though—not vague. Admire and enjoy your child’s uniqueness. Never compare one child with another (“I wish you would xyz like your brother.”). Avoid labels such as the “quiet child,” “smart one,” “silly one,” etc. Model your self-worth by not putting yourself down and accepting praise when you receive it. Watch gossip as it tends to lend itself to being negative in general—it’s often a “one-upmanship” game to be avoided. Make sure that when each day ends, your children have heard more positive words from you than negative. That will give them a great start on being positive—with themselves and with others.
P.S. Please see my other column, “The Counselor’s Corner”, on an important back-to-school topic about preparing your child to manage negative peer group pressure.
Copyright © 2008, Sharon Scott. No reproduction without written permission from author.
Sharon Scott, LPC, LMFT, has been making a difference in peoples’ lives for 30 years though her international keynotes and workshops, her eight award-winning books, and her private counseling services. Five of her books are a charming series for elementary-age children that she “co-authored” with her savvy cocker spaniel Nicholas. Each beautifully illustrated book teaches a valuable living skill such as managing emotions in Life’s Not Always Fair, building character in Nicholas’ Values, and making wise choices in Too Smart for Trouble. Sharon’s best-seller for teens is How to Say No and Keep Your Friends, 2nd Ed. Her books are available from HRD Press, 800-822-2801 or www.hrdpress.com/SharonScott . For more information on Sharon’s many workshop topics that she can bring to your child’s school or community, please see her website at www.SharonScott.com.
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