Humor: Nine Things Not to Say in a Graduation Card
By Cherly Moeller – Family Funny Stuff –
1. Best of luck now that you’re entering the job market where they never give raises. –
2. Congrats on your achievement forget the fact you’ll be paying off student loans for the next 48 years and they’ll garnish your wages if you miss two payments in a row just savor the moment. –
3. Kudos on your diploma! Of course, there’s a glut of graduates in your field and people twice your age with 20 years of experience are parking cars for a living, but I know you’ll be the exception. –
4. Proud of you graduate! I’m just curious did you read where there’s an on-line degree program under investigation in Mule Shoe, Texas, with the same name as your college? That has to be a coincidence right? Why would you attend a diploma mill after all? (Will $80 bucks really get me a Ph.D. from your school? I’ve enclosed the check just in case. From now on call me Dr. Uncle,)
5. My little niece is a college graduate! Your car insurance will double, and your income taxes are about to skyrocket. As they say in those commencement addresses, The future is yours to embrace,
6. You made it all the way through college on a full athletic scholarship am I proud of my graduate or what? Too bad they banned your school’s program from post-season play until the year 2055 for recruitment violations? (Tell your favorite grandfather — did they happen to offer you one of those red Porsche’s when you signed with them? Can I drive it the next time we visit?)
7. I’ll be there to watch you walk across the stage graduate! It must have been a struggle to pay that $45,000 a year for tuition, room and board for four years. Did you know that I got your same degree from your same school 40 years ago and it only cost me $2,500 over four years? Times were different and I’m sure there’s a new cafeteria nowadays. I’ll buy you lunch there the weekend of graduation.
8. A Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy my little nephew sure has grown up! To be honest I’ve never met anyone in my entire life with a real job who studied philosophy in college. So what is it you’re planning to do? I see they’re looking for crabbers in the Bering Sea to for the Deadliest Catch storm season can I send them your resume?
9. So you’re going on to medical school! And congratulations on finishing first in your pre-med program! Of course, it takes a lot of courage to go into a field where you’ll be sued an average of six times with settlements averaging over $1,240,000 per case. But don’t worry, a good doctor like you will be able to afford the $750,000 in malpractice insurance premiums each year and have plenty left over to live on! (By the way, I’ve had an ache in my left kidney that won’t go away. It seems to flare up every time I eat something with MSG,.could you take a look at it during your graduation party?)
Cheryl Moeller cranks up the spin cycle on her washing machine and life to help parents cope with too much laundry, raising preschoolers (on 12 hours of sleep per year), surviving teenagers, pleasing relatives, understanding spouses, and the 1,000 other challenges. She uses her over-the-counter humor to make parents laugh until it feels better.
Cheryl is a sister, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a niece, an aunt, a granddaughter, a friend, a volunteer... well you get the idea. Let.s just say she.s a lot like you and has decided the best way for us all to cope is to laugh (don't try to inhale at the same time, it only makes matters worse).
Cheryl is a wiife to Robert for 28 years. Mother to Duke, Missy, Pooka, Skippy, Megs and Kenzie. One dog - Katie. One fish - Skyler. Two gerbils - Hannah and Lily. Cheryl cranks up the spin cycle on her dryer and life to help parents cope with too much laundry, raising preschoolers (on 12 hours of sleep per year), surviving teenagers, pleasing relatives, understanding spouses, and the thousand other challenges. Read more of Cheryl's humor at www.momlaughs.blogspot.com
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