Christian Parenting: Set Free Or Bogged Down By Rules?
From the Christian Parenting Corner
Set Free Or Bogged Down By Rules?
As a Christian, you know that God set certain boundaries in place for each and every one of us to follow. In marriage, wives are admonished to show respect to their husbands, while husbands are cautioned to love their wives to the point of dying to themselves in every aspect of their lives. In everyday living situations a Christian is well aware that certain activities are “off limits” not because God does not want us to have any fun, but instead because God wants to protect our health, faith, and because He can see the pitfalls of our actions a mile away. The reasons for rules are plentiful:
1. Rules turn chaos into structure
2. Rules avoid conflict
3. Rules provide security and protect from negative consequences
4. Rules curtail dishonesty and physical violence
In the same way the Christian parent understands her or his relationship with their child to be. As parents we can see consequences to our children’s actions that they do not even know exist. We know that if junior sticks his hand on the hot stove, he will most likely get burned. So we make the rule that junior is not to touch the stove. We also know that if our golden haired little angel pulls the cat’s tail, she will most likely end up getting scratched. Thus, we implement the rule that only gentle touches are allowed when it comes to interacting with Fluffy and that tail pulling is not permitted.
In these cases the rules that are set forth protect the child and allow her or him the freedom to live fully. Sure, a toddler might feel restricted by not being allowed to touch the hot stove, but if he were able to understand that wearing a restrictive bandage on his hand for a week – as the treatment for serious burn may indicate – will severely limit his freedom to play at the playground, dig in the sand, go swimming in the backyard pool, explore his new little toy cars, or simply clap his hand in tune with his favorite songs, he might agree that following the rule of not touching that stove is actually designed to allow him more freedoms.
Yet sometimes a family seems to get bogged down by rules rather than freed by them. This is done when rules are created ineffectively. Learn how to set positive and freeing rules for your child by following these simple steps:
1. Some rules need to be created by the parent, such as “do not touch the hot stove”. Yet as children get older, they need to be able to help in the creation of household rules. Children as young as four or five are able to give input on new rules and also on consequences – both positive and negative – that should follow the obedience to or breaking of a rule. This involvement brings the freedom of choice.
2. Charts are a good way of tracking success, but do you allow your child to experience failure as well? Living in a day and age where self esteem is the new altar at which parents profusely present their offerings of medals, ribbons, and certificates of achievement, too many children are not accustomed to feel the sting of failure. When you consider the great examples of the Bible, it was out of failure that learning and greatness ensued! Jonah, Solomon and Peter are great examples of individuals who failed but learned from their mistakes and rose up to the challenge and to greatness! Obviously, you do not want to set up your child for failure, but do not bend the rules to the breaking point so your child can earn a sticker on her chart. Permission to experience failure brings the freedom of experiencing growth.
3. The common fallacy of rule setting for children entails the notion that the older they get the less rules they need. If you think about it, the only rule a toddler needs to know is “obey the first time, right away.” As the child enters school age, the rules become more plentiful and include conduct at school, conduct with friends, work ethic as it pertains to homework, and so forth. Yet as the number of rules increase, the positive consequences abound! A child that learns not to hit, kick, or bite others will have friends to play with! A child who does his homework will receive good grades and respect from teachers! Thus, failure to adjust the rules in your home as your child matures leads to her experiencing a sense of floundering and insecurity while an increase in rules leads to an abundance of positive consequences.
4. Avoid setting so many rules that every aspect of your child’s daily life is governed by them. This will make your home a haven for legalism. If you find yourself arguing rule interpretation with your child, the odds are that you either have a budding lawyer in your family or you have too many rules. Permit some leeway for your child to make his own choices, and allow your child to experience the consequences in the safety of your family. For example, allow your second grader to decide when and how to study for her upcoming spelling test. If she buckles down and studies, she will experience the freedom of making a good choice and earning the privilege of more independence when it comes to school matters. On the other hand, if she chooses to blow off the studying and predictably will bring home a bad grade, she will experience the freedom of making a bad choice and understanding that negative consequences are not an idle threat but a real world reality. Do not take away this latter freedom, but at the same time do not give a child who struggles with independent studying too many opportunities to experience it to the extent that her overall grades seriously suffer. This is the definition of the safety previously mentioned – you child will have the freedom to experience failure in a controlled environment where you, the Christian parent, can ensure that the severity, duration, and reach of the consequences will not be too harsh. The sting of one or two bad grades and the shame of having to fess up that your trust was not appreciated is acceptable when teaching an overall life lesson.
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