Five Items on Your Back to School List You’ll Never Use Again
By Cheryl Moeller – Funny Stuff –
Each year anxious mothers pore over the list of school supplies they must purchase for their child. Unless their son or daughter has these in their backpack they will have no chance of graduating from 8th grade or getting into Stanford or avoiding a life of crime.
After decades of rushing out and purchasing these items in the middle of August, I’ve come to realize that many of these things never appear in life again. For example:
1. The Steel Compass or Protractor — These shiny, sharp and potentially dangerous instruments are chief among the items you’ll likely never use again. For example, when’s the last time your husband stuck his head in the kitchen and said, “Who took my protractor? Who is using my compass? How am I supposed to pay our bills? Or change oil in the car? I might as well turn in my resignation at work tomorrow if I show up without it.”
2. The Combination Lock — Who could even imagine showing up the first day of gym class without your steel lock with the black dial that swirled around on it? But let’s be real, how important was it to secure your locker? Like someone would really steal your smelly gym clothes and wear them the next day with the name “Webster” on the back? Today, where is that heavy duty lock? It’s in some old backpack in the garage mocking anyone who dares to try and remember the combination.
3. The Large Calculator — Year after year as our children reached middle school we were told that they must buy a certain calculator made by an instrument company near the Rio Grande. If we did not spend the $1,000 or so they would never be able to plot a graph, project the cost of oil in the Middle East, or calculate the square root of their blood type. Where is this imposing electronic abacus today? In the phone drawer alongside car keys to cars you no longer owned (or maybe never owned), cell phone the size of walkie-talkies, and a roll of duct tape with six inches left on it.
4. The Box of Tissue Paper — From time immemorial mothers have been told to send their third grade boys off to school in August with a box of tissue paper to be kept in their desk. From time immemorial mothers have picked up their third grade boys the last day of school in June only to find the box unopened. Like there was ever a chance that when little Jimmy would sneeze he would raise his hand and say, “Excuse me, but I must retrieve a tissue paper so that my nose will be properly cared for and no cold germs will be spread to my fellow classmates.” What’s the point of being a third grade boy if you can’t sneeze on the person seated in front of you and hear them squeal, “Oh, no, that is so gross…”
5. The Pencil Case — I must go no further to prove my point that some school supplies simply never should have been invented. When’s the last time you were on the phone and said, “Excuse me while I put my cell phone down. I need to get a pencil or pen. Where did I put it? Oh, of course, it’s right here next to me inside my pencil case which is placed neatly on my desk. Would you like me to use a blue, turquoise or magenta one to write down your number?” In fact, call up your friends and offer them $500 in cash if they can deliver their pencil case to your house in the next hour.
There you have it. Five items on your school supply list that never really had any future. Nonetheless, if I were you, I’d rush out and buy them while supplies still last. If you don’t, it just might go on your permanent record.
So who is so funny that she is causing laughter in audiences everywhere?
Cheryl Moeller cranks up the spin cycle on her washing machine and life to help parents cope with too much laundry, raising preschoolers (on 12 hours of sleep per year), surviving teenagers, pleasing relatives, understanding spouses, and the 1,000 other challenges. She uses her over-the-counter humor to make parents laugh until it feels better.
Cheryl is a sister, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a niece, an aunt, a granddaughter, a friend, a volunteer... well you get the idea. Let.s just say she.s a lot like you and has decided the best way for us all to cope is to laugh (don't try to inhale at the same time, it only makes matters worse).
Cheryl is a wiife to Robert for 28 years. Mother to Duke, Missy, Pooka, Skippy, Megs and Kenzie. One dog - Katie. One fish - Skyler. Two gerbils - Hannah and Lily. Cheryl cranks up the spin cycle on her dryer and life to help parents cope with too much laundry, raising preschoolers (on 12 hours of sleep per year), surviving teenagers, pleasing relatives, understanding spouses, and the thousand other challenges. Read more of Cheryl's humor at www.momlaughs.blogspot.com
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