Keeping your sex life sexy can seem like an uphill challenge sometimes, am I right? It’s easy when you first get together, especially at the beginning. Hell, at first when you’re at the first date stage it’s a veritable time bomb, all that unexplored sexual tension and delicious anticipation.

Then when you move from suggestive looks and light touches to something more intimate, it’s so new and exciting. You’re uncharted territory to each other. It’s so much fun finding out what the other looks like, how they react, what they enjoy and their signature moves.

It’s a hot and heavy time, that’s for sure.

But of course it can’t last. It’s like running. You can sprint for short distances, but for longer distances, you need to take a slower approach. You can keep up the intense new-relationship do-it-anywhere-you-can passion for a little while, but as your relationship settles into a routine, your sex life is at risk of becoming a bit routine, too.  

This is all totally normal, of course. That’s something I really want you to know. Men might like to boast about the hot thing they hooked up with or their latest conquest, but it’s natural for your sex life to ebb a bit when you eventually settle down. No one has the hot wild experimental early-relationship sex when they’ve been in a relationship for a while.

That in itself is ok. Being with someone long-term and building commitment is great. But naturally, you still want to enjoy your sex life and build rather than lose intimacy over the years. You want to keep your sex life sexy – and that’s totally understandable!

The Secret To Keeping Your Sex Life Sexy Is Actually Pretty Simple

We’ll go into more detail with some real practical tips you can use in a minute but for now, I want you to know that the secret to keeping your sex life sexy is actually pretty simple:

You keep working on closeness and intimacy.

Seriously. That’s it. It’s not reading the karma sutra, or Maxim, or even reading some relationship and sex guru’s website. It’s not buying cuffs and toys and whipped cream (though you can totally do all of those things …. just keep reading!). The secret to keeping your sex life sexy is simply intimacy.

Why Intimacy Matters So Much

Good sex in a long term relationship is based on mutual trust, intimacy, and closeness. Sure technique matters, but so does emotional closeness. Put it this way: If you’re not close with each other in your everyday life, it’s hard to be close in the bedroom.  

One of the reasons sex slides further down the menu as time goes by is because the rest of your life gets in the way of intimacy. When you’re both caught up with work stress, household to-dos, and later on family commitments and raising children, it’s all too easy to get too busy to connect – in the bedroom or outside of it.

If you want to keep your sex life sizzling, put your focus on staying intimate in every area of your life.

What are some things you can do to boost intimacy and keep your sex life’s flame burning? Try out these practical steps.

Resolve Your Issues

Every couple argues sometimes. It’s just part of being in a relationship. You won’t see eye to eye. She won’t like your friends, or you’ll get annoyed that she works such long hours. You won’t agree on the chores. Whatever happens, you need to resolve it.

Why? Your lady won’t be feeling sexy if you’ve just had a huge fight. If you have an issue, talk about it. Really talk. Not yelling or accusations or trying to one up each other. Just talk it through and find a resolution you’re both happy with.

Get into the habit of dealing with issues as they arise, and always remember you’re a team – look for solutions together.

Keep Dating

Part of what makes sex so much fun in the beginning is that you’re focusing on it. It’s a priority, even. You think about dressing nicely, or where you might go, and what you might do afterwards.

You don’t have to stop all of that just because you’re in a longer term relationship. Make time for dates. Set a regular date night, and stick to it.  

When date night rolls around, treat each other like you did at the beginning. Get dressed up. Go somewhere special, drink champagne, go out for a great meal. Buy your partner a surprise gift. You’ll rekindle the romance and intimacy of your early relationship – and you can keep rekindling when you get home and close the bedroom door.

Try New Things In And Out Of The Bedroom

Trying new things brings you closer together, and I don’t just mean sex. That’s fine too of course – like I said earlier, trying out some new techniques, positions, or toys is a fun way to add spice and keep your sex life fun. So go for it – talk to your partner about what they’d like to try, and have some fun!

Don’t neglect what you do together outside of the bedroom, though. Go somewhere new. Take a vacation. Take a class or try out a new hobby together. When you try new things you see new sides of each other, you have more to talk about, you feel closer – and your sex life benefits from all of those things.

Check In With Each Other

If you want ongoing physical intimacy, you need to build ongoing emotional intimacy too. It’s much easier to connect physically when you’re feeling close outside the bedroom too.

Check in with each other regularly. Find out what’s going on with each other. What’s happening with her at work? Does she know about the promotion you’re going for? Have you met a personal or fitness goal you want to share? All these little things add up and create intimacy between you.

Make time for each other every day. Grab a coffee in the morning, or pour some wine after dinner, and just talk. Your phones can wait for a minute.

Check in with each other about sex, too. Don’t be afraid to get frank and honest. Talk to each other about your sex life, and what you’d like to try, or what you’d like to be different. Talking is often the first step to greater intimacy and more sizzle in the bedroom.

Keep Your Bedroom For The Two Of You

It’s hard to feel sexy when your bedroom has turned into an office / den / storage area. If you find yourself bringing your laptop to bed to work, or you’ve got a pile of things in the corner waiting to be stored, you’re not doing yourselves any favors.

Make sex and intimacy an important part of your life by making your bedroom into a space for them. You don’t have to have a mirrored ceiling or fur bedspreads (you’re not Austin Powers), but make it a place you want to share, and have sex in.

Decorate it in a way you both like. Always use attractive bedlinens, and don’t take work worries, your office, or family stress to bed with you. Make your bedroom a haven for the two of you.

Set aside time in the bedroom that doesn’t involve sleep, phones, laptops, or TV. You don’t have to have sex (though I encourage that, obviously!) You can talk, give each other a massage, even listen to music together. Do whatever you can to create an intimate space for yourselves in the midst of your busy lives.

Play Games

Why am I suggesting you play games? Do I mean you should crack out the Monopoly board or grab your card deck? Not exactly – but not far off, either.

Try getting to know you games. Yes, the kind of thing you get at terrible office icebreakers. Hear me out here. Games that are designed to help you get to know each other are fantastic for building intimacy.

Try twenty questions next time you’re doing chores or driving somewhere. Ask your partner anything and everything you can think of – what are their dreams? What’s their favorite date you’ve shared? What makes them laugh the most? You’ll learn more about each other and your intimacy will grow.  

You can also try communication games, such as describing something without naming it and getting the other person to guess what it is – or even better, try to draw it! Yes it seems silly at first but you’ll have a laugh, and feel closer, too.

The secret to keeping your sex life sexy is about far more than buying her lingerie or trying out a new technique. It’s about building and maintaining intimacy in all areas of your life. Pay attention to each other. Be there for each other. Talk regularly, and make intimacy a priority. When you feel close outside the bedroom, it’s far easier to feel close inside it, too.

Sylvia Smith

Relationship Expert at Marriage.com
Sylvia Smith is a relationship expert with years of experience in training and helping couples. She has helped countless individuals and organizations around the world, offering effective and efficient solutions for healthy and successful relationships. Her mission is to provide inspiration, support and empowerment to everyone on their journey to a great marriage. She is a featured writer for Marriage.com, a reliable resource to support healthy, happy marriages. Follow her on Stumbleupon, Google+ and Pinterest

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